Soup With a Fork: A FELICITOUS FECUND FOODBLOG

I made my own chili powder.

I'm a bit extreme when it comes to cooking. I've roasted my own coffee beans, make my own ice cream for baked alaska, threshed and milled my own wheat (kidding about the last own.)

This was motivated by a cook-off at work. I want to win! I have a recipe, but have always used store bought spices. Spices are really important; the fresher the spice, the better the dish!

Although it sounds complicated, it really is not. A bit labor intensive, but worth it.

1. Base chilis are Ancho and New Mexico. Anchos are dried poblanos. They are both mild.
Ancho                       

                                                                            New Mexico

2. You have to cut these open, cut off the stems, remove the seeds and flatten them out to put on a cookie sheet. WEAR GLOVES!

3. Place in 300 degree oven. you have to check on them every 3 minutes to make sure they are dried and toasted, but not burned. When they are ready, they easily crumble into bits. The Ancho takes longer because the tend to be more mushy.
crumbled up peppers
4. Add other peppers for heat and other flavors. I used chipotle (which is a smoked jalepeno) and Arbol.

5. Grind up all the toasted, crumbled peppers. You can use a blender or food processor, but I used an old coffee grinder.

this smelled amazing!

How not to make a roast.

Actually, the roast came out very good, but I wouldn't recommend the method I made it in, mainly for safety's sake.

1. Buy a roast. I think I used a chuck roast, although you can use round, rump, rib roast if you're rich, or tenderloin if you're very rich.
2. Season. I like to use real garlic, salt, pepper and rosemary. I like to keep it simple.
3. Stick a thermometer in it. I ALWAYS cook meat with a thermometer.
4. Set oven to a low 275 and...
5. GO TO SPIN CLASS!! (yeah, this is the part I wouldn't recommend)
6. Since  spin class is about an hour and a half, with 15 minutes both ways of driving time, it was ideal timing.
7. Temp when I cam back was about 167, almost 170, which is a little too welldone for me, but acceptable.
8. Always let meat sit for 15 minutes before cutting, so the juices can redistribute into the meat; otherwise, all the juices will fly out at the first cut and you will have dry meat.

Turned out pretty good, although don't know about my food photography skills.

Hello again.

I am debating whether to reconvene this food blog. I would like to cook more, but this world o' triathlon has sorta taken over my life. I am just TOO TIRED to cook. Or throw dinner parties. Although I really loved throwing dinner parties...

And I'm eating healthier. Not that this excludes me from cooking, but in my culinary world, the 4 food groups are butter, cream, red meat and shallots (okay, that last one didn't really fit, but I love cooking with shallots.) 

I did make a roast a few weeks ago.

Okay, I'll try to restart this blog if there is an outpouring of public support. heh

I'm okay, I'm okay, but I get awfully maudlin at times. I hate Wichita Falls. Despite all my pre-job excitement about adventure, blah blah, I think I need stability and the familiar. Then I feel bad about feeling that way. Also, I gained 10 pounds while in Wichita Falls, although have lost about 6 of them. Ugh, I am an emotional eater. Why can't I be one of those people that lose their appetite when depressed?

Only  1 1/2 weeks though, then I'll be back in Houston - hooray! And I'll think I'll look for a permanent job from now on.

I feel so bad I want to die. Nothing ever really works out for me, you know?
 

I am getting tired of seeing very sick people. That's probably not very empathetic to say, but it is very draining. I thought I had sick patients at the VA; this is a state hospital, a long term unit with some forensic patients. It sometimes does look like the insane asylum from a movie. Because these people are so sick, it is infinitely more rewarding when some get better. But that rarely happens. It is a revolving door. Someone may improve for this admission, but will likely return and be readmitted within the year.

The saddest part is that these people have little resources and have to get care from public resources, which is sadly limited. Texas is particularly bad about funding for mental health.

Severely mentally ill patients do better when they have support and family involvement. These people do not have that. They do better when they have their health. They don't have that. They do better if they have a stable housing situation and they don't have that!

I do think it's a waste of a person's education to go to medical school, then end up giving botox injections or boob jobs all day, but there has to be something in between.

Am I helping? I think I am helping. I know I have helped people. I know that there are people walking around that probably would have committed suicide without my help. And that is rewarding. But damn, this job is draining sometimes.

Still in orientation

I can't believe I'm getting paid lots of money to do orientation which has been boring and a cakewalk. I think I'll do fine at this job. I realize that I was trained really well and I am really good at what I do. For some reason, I am really good with "difficult" patients.

The hospital is a state psychiatric hospital with some acute care, but mostly long term care. If you have ever seen the movie Spellbound, this place reminds me of that. There is actually a movie theatre, library, store, and gym on this campus. A long time ago, there actually was cows and a dairy, so the place was self-sufficient. It was established in the 1920's, so this place has been around for a long time. There are interesting archives that show old letters where the founders are contacting old, old psychiatric institutions in New York and Iowa to help establish this place.

I saw a straight jacket for the first time. I thought they were not used anymore. I think officially, they can still use them, but never do because there are better, safer and more humane ways to subdue a patients.

Severe mental health makes you really appreciate the simple things in life. You can complain about not being a size 6 or the price of gas, but at least you have your ability to discern reality!

It snowed here yesterday and people are very nice, but Wichita Falls sucks!

Day 2 of orientation. Yesterday was PMAB which is prevention and management of aggressive behavior. I've had it before, twice, but never really remember it. It's all mainly self defense moves (what to do when a patient grabs your arm, or tries to bear hug or choke you) but also things such as how to disarm a blunt and sharp object. As a physician, I really don't know have to know how to do these things, but I thought it'd be helpful. Kinda unfair, that the doc can stand behind the desk and write orders while the techs are taking someone down. I'm thinking it might come in handy in non-work situations.

I think this job will be good for the time being. I'm on a more violent unit than I expected - many patients on commitment and some step-down from the forensic unit. This campus is actually quite beautiful - I will have to take photos of the old buildings.

They are already trying to recruit me to stay on permanently, but I am just starting my work-travel adventures and there is no way in hell that I'd live here! It's bad when you ask about nice restaurants and people mention Applebee's, Chili's and IHOP!

What are the goals doing this? I mean real goals; I don't mean just temporary income and fun of traveling, etc. I think personally I want:
1. to let go of superficial importance of things and objects (personal possession) very Buddhist
2. to see how confident I can really be in new professional settings.
3. to see how resourceful I am in regards in new surrounds, cities, situations, people, cultures.
4. to shake things up - maybe I was getting rather stagnant and predictable. It's good to see things from different perspective.
5. Professionally, it will keep me on my toes as I will be doing something a little different in each job.

I have to remember that I have done adventurous things before.
I left medical school for a year and wasn't sure what to do. My parents didn't support me that year which was both scary and liberating. I went back to Baton Rouge and 2 classes at LSU and found a job working in a coffee shop/flowershop. Then for the next 6 months, I got a student work visa and went to London to work and goof around. I didn't seem brave at the time, but it was. I went by myself and somehow navigated getting a job and living in a foreign country. Then there was the time I went on a bike trip through Ireland. I wasn't really prepared and it was a miserable time, but I made it. I'm surprised that it didn't turn me off of cycling forever. And so many other trials in my life that I survived.

When I panic, I get into a tunnel vision. It's a sympathetic response to perceived danger. But then I can't see the big picture, think rationally, remember positive things and my own strengths. I can't put things in perspective when I'm in an emotional state.  Ugh, I got trained in DBT but I need more for myself than my patients! Wise mind, okay?

I have to remind myself that this is an adventure, right? Wichita Falls still seems to be the armpit of Texas. Maybe it will be better when I'm in a beautiful place such as Maine or California or Oregon.

Locum Tenens life: day #1

Drove from Houston to Wichita Falls today. Wow, Wichita Falls is a bit of a dump. Reminds me of a grotty Natchitoches. The car (new car CRV) was packed to the gills with 2 bikes, and tri-gear and Toby's stuff and Toby!  The apartment is completely furnished, simple but adequate. I'm very frustrated as I drove around town trying to find a good bike route for tomorrow, but for some reasons, streets here have several different names and don't seem to follow the map! The biking is supposed to be good here, but I still can't see where or why.

I feel really depressed right now. For various reasons right now, but I feel displaced. Went to a Target then a grocery store. Both were sort of grotty as well. I keep thinking about the nice Whole Foods I go to. I miss my house; I miss my things. Then I think that is stupid, to be attached to things. But maybe I miss the familiarity, the comfort of the routine. I felt very emotional when I got rid of my TT. Again, silly because it is an attachment to a thing, but things are laden with memory.  I feel really bad for Toby. She won't be able to go to daycare and probably perplexed at the new car, new housing...I'm glad she is here though.

Am I making a mistake? I don't know. I'm not really sure what I'm doing with myself careerwise. Private practice didn't work out. I left the VA because of recent changes. then I remembered one reason I didn't like private practice is because I was so isolated. Isn't this the same thing? so will it be bad for me?

I am feeling very alone and lost. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to do this.

I decided to at least document this. Maybe things will get better. I have a history of bad starts. Maybe this locums thing is better when I'm not in fucking WICHITA FALLS!

The irony of this is that I got rid of cable recently and haven't been watching TV very much at all in the past months, again to purge myself of connection to things and prepare for this "great escape", yet my first night here I am plopped down in front of the TV!